Internal Family Systems
Internal Family Systems (IFS) is a powerful yet deceptively simple therapeutic modality. IFS helps you build healthy internal relationships with your internal parts. They can be your inner child aged 7, your rebel teen at 16 or parts like the inner critic, procrastinator, perfectionist, anxious or anger part. All these parts hold beliefs, feelings, perspectives, and unresolved experiences from earlier experiences in your life.
Through internal dialogue, you will become aware of the parts, learn to re-parent your younger selves and let go of the burden of the past. You will learn to become the self-leader of your parts and negotiate with them so your inner critic can become your coach. Building active listening skills transforms the relationship with yourself and with others.
IFS does not pathologise - reduce a client to a diagnosis. Instead, it views people as whole with an innate capacity to take ownership of their life and self-heal. It is very effective in treating overwhelm, anxiety, depression, pain, grief, addictions, shame, anger, attachment injuries, OCD, ADHD and traumas.
IFS and sub-personalities
Richard Schwartz the founder of IFS discovered that the mind contains multiple sub-personalities he calls ‘parts. This is reflected in common language when we say ‘part of me wants this, but another wants that..’ These parts are likely formed in response to the way we were raised. They pop out at different times in our lives to help with valuable qualities and resources. Trauma and attachment injuries force them out of their naturally helpful roles into behaviour that can be destructive and outdated.
What happens to these ‘parts’ during trauma?
A lot of the time these parts don’t know that you’ve grown up. They’re ‘frozen’ in the time of the trauma and keep doing whatever things they did to protect you when you were young. So even as an adult, these parts of you may carry ‘burdens’. Which are extreme beliefs and emotions caused by trauma, or inherited from your family history, culture or ethnic group. The extreme beliefs and emotions attach to these parts almost like a virus and drive the way they operate.
Exiles, managers and firefighters
At the time of trauma parts are forced to take on the roles of ‘exiles’, ‘managers’ and ‘firefighters’. When you’re rejected, traumatised or hurt by a caregiver for instance, these parts pick up the burdens of worthlessness, powerlessness, emotional pain or terror, and become not so much fun to be around.
Our subconscious locks these parts away to protect us so they become ‘exiles’. And when you have a few exiles, the world feels much more dangerous and you may be easily triggered into extreme emotions. Then other parts are forced into these protective roles to try and keep the exiles from being triggered and to keep them contained.
We call these parts ‘managers’ because they’re trying to manage every facet of your life so that no similar injury or trauma ever happens. They’ll keep you at a certain distance from people so they can’t get close enough to hurt you or they stop you from going out when you don’t look perfect so you don’t get rejected.
Perfectionist, people pleaser or stuck in your head?
Managers may push you into high-performing roles to seek praise and approval to counter feelings of worthlessness. Usually, these managers are also inner children, who may take on the responsibilities of a parent because the parent failed to do their duties. Often they become inner critics because they’re trying to get you to behave and they don’t know what to do other than to yell at you.
Other managers are people pleasers that don’t let you take care of yourself and instead try to take care of everyone else. Intellectual ‘managers’ keep you in your head and don’t let you feel the rest of your body.
What role do ‘firefighters’ play?
Firefighters jump into action, when your ‘exiles get triggered because there’s so much emotion that they just don’t think you can handle it. They only care to stop you from feeling the hurt of the exile’s feelings regardless of the cost. Either by hiding you from the pain or distracting you until you feel okay again. A lot of the addictions are related to ‘firefighter’ activities because they don’t care about the damage to your body or your relationships.
How can IFS help someone to selfheal?
The good news about all this is that once a part believes it is safe to do so, they can unload these extreme beliefs and emotions, at which point it’s like a curse has been lifted and they transform into their naturally valuable states.
And so a lot of the work is designed to achieve that kind of transformation. The biggest discovery of IFS is that if you get these parts to open space inside there’s a kind of essence of people that will be released – something in IFS we refer to as the ‘Self’.
Watch Dr Chatterjee’s IFS demo at min 41
Self leadership
The ‘Self’ is in everybody. It can’t be damaged, it knows how to heal us both internally and in our external relationships and it contains wonderful qualities all of which begin with the letter ‘C’ – courage, creativity, commitment, caring, compassion, calm, curiosity and clarity.
That’s what we call the ‘8 C’s of self-leadership’. So IFS is a way to access that place of ‘Self’ and it can be accessed far more quickly than maybe other modalities thought possible simply by getting parts to open up the space.
“Too many interactions are protector wars. We see it in incorporations, families and politics. Countries like the US become full of polarisations because the parts of each side take over and do the talking to each other. When one part becomes extreme, it makes the protector in the other person become equally extreme, or even more and the whole dynamic just escalates over time. This is particularly true when neither side trusts the overall leadership and has a lot of exiles. This is true of at all levels of human systems.” No Bad Parts by Richard C. Schwartz
Can you give an example of how you work with these ‘parts’?
If you’re working with someone who is feeling anxious, for instance, it’s about helping them to speak from the anxious part and then opening up space for the part that dislikes the anxious part. We generally go to protectors (managers and firefighters) first, to honour them for doing their service in protecting the individual.
Not to tell them to change or to stop doing what they’re doing. And then to learn about what they protect and negotiate permission to go to the exiles they protect. When we get to the exile we go through steps to unburden the exile and then come back to the protector who now can see that the exile doesn’t need its protection. We then ask the protector what it wants to do instead now and often it’s quite amazing – it’s the opposite of what they’ve been doing. We help them into that new role.
Tapping into the clarity of ‘Self’
By separating and acknowledging the two parts suddenly the individual taps into this ‘Self’. They become calm and curious about those parts, they feel compassion for them and confident to handle them. They also feel connected to these parts in ways they didn’t before. They find new creative ways of relating to these parts and the courage to go to places inside that they were afraid to go to before. There may also be greater clarity – where initially these parts may have looked kind of monstrous, they’re now seen as a child inside.
When required Nat integrates other therapeutic modalities to bring in resources and release legacy burdens or parts not native to the system which may shift pain or perspective with remarkable results.
Pain-free and no longer feeling stuck. “I feel better, calmer and braver. “
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“I am extremely grateful for my IFS sessions with Nat. The IFS process is extremely fascinating. She’s able to hold a compassionate, patient, non-judgemental container - which was invaluable for trusting the flow of that process. It was such a beautiful revelation how much calmer, centred and brave I felt after the sessions. Now after a few sessions I’m aware of my emotions and more connected with my self-energy.”
“I recently had the privilege of attending an Internal Family Systems (IFS) session with Nat. From the moment the session began, Nat’s calming presence and deep understanding created a safe space where I felt encouraged to explore the depths of my inner world.
During the session, I had the opportunity to connect with my inner child, a part of me that had been quietly holding me back out of fear. This inner child seemed to carry a weight of past experiences and emotions that were affecting my present life. With Nat’s gentle guidance and the framework of IFS, I was able to approach this wounded part of myself with compassion and curiosity.
Nat skillfully led me through a journey of self-discovery, helping me to better understand the origins of these feelings and the ways in which they were influencing my thoughts and behaviours. Through the process, I gradually began to feel a profound sense of connection and empathy towards my inner child, realizing that its intentions were always rooted in a desire to protect and shield me from pain.
As the session unfolded, I felt a shift taking place within me. With Nat’s guidance, I was able to embrace my inner child and offer it the reassurance and support it needed. It was as if I could take the scared child and lift him onto my shoulders as I acknowledged and validated those long-held emotions. I found myself growing stronger, and a newfound sense of empowerment emerged.
By the end of the session, I felt lighter, more centred, and deeply connected to myself. Nat’s skilful facilitation, combined with the transformative principles of IFS, had truly worked wonders. I left the session with a sense of gratitude and clarity, knowing that I now had the tools to carry my inner child with me, not as a burden, but as a source of strength and resilience. ”
“Nat is an open and good listener. She was guided by what I shared in the session and intuitively asked questions that helped me understand what I needed to do. Following the session, I’ve made a profound connection with my inner child and have been exploring events at different stages of my life that still hold a charge. It’s helped me to see the truth of what was really taking place at a higher level of consciousness. This has been both beautiful and empowering work. ”
“I’ve had several sessions with Van Zee Being over the past two years. Two regression sessions and a number of IFS sessions; all of which have been interesting and insightful but the most transformative and profound for me was IFS. Nat holds space in the most supportive and nurturing way and after each session, I feel like we peel back another layer of trauma or conditioning and I’m provided with a fresh perspective and deeper understanding of myself.
It has also given me coping strategies and approaches that I have been able to integrate into my life on a daily basis so I can see real and effective change. The sessions have made me feel more empowered, connected and capable. I would highly recommend her services as both a coach and alternative therapist. ”
“Nat has a great way of making one feel relaxed, safe and connected. My Internal Family System session with her gave me a valuable new perspective on the different elements of my being and how an awareness of these parts might aid in me finding deeper harmony. I had some insights from certain memories that came up that I’ve since been evaluating. The session also reminded me of the compassion that I want to keep cultivating for certain parts of myself to enable better balance and spaciousness for my needs and desires. Thank you, Nat, for being a kind, patient and gentle guide, whilst also being direct and clear. I look forward to exploring this further!”
“During my internal family systems session Nat gently guided me, into what felt like a conscious state of relaxation. She helped me release a part not native to my system that was causing issues. Afterwards, I felt like my regular self except with Iess knotting in my stomach where there had been some blocked energy. It’s interesting that I’d had a lot of explorative medical tests, cameras and scans and they could find nothing wrong despite quite extreme symptoms.
So far I haven’t had any bad digestive episodes since so I would recommend Nat’s approach to shift the ‘energetic’ source of chronic ailments, once serious medical issues have been ruled out the conventional way. ”
“I was really intrigued by the IFS approach and had some thought it might help with my feeling of being emotionally blocked and I’m pleased to say that it really did. Nat began with a gradual relaxation process which helped me de-couple my emotions and speak directly to some of the different parts of me - my internal ‘team’ if you like. I experienced a totally visceral release of emotions which left me feeling lighter and more emotionally comfortable than I have for a long while.
A really great aspect of the session is that Nat goes on to provide you with the tools to continue the good work and keep making progress. Nat’s soothing and thoughtful guidance helped create a feeling of safety to explore aspects of myself I had felt the need to hide away. I ended the session feeling emboldened and empowered, and would heartily recommend a session with Nat to anyone in need of a fresh approach to dealing with their emotional challenges.”
“I had the most incredible experience with Nat van Zee who took me through an IFS treatment. It was a deeply empowering and surprising experience that had given me insights into my behaviours as well as helped me release some big things.
Nat has an extraordinary courage and openness that very few people let alone therapists have that enables you to really deal with things in their truest form head on. Not sure how else to explain it, but very unique and needed if you are wanting to release anything.”
“Nat has a beautiful way of helping you explore parts of yourself that might need some attention and healing. I definitely needed some guidance in this space and Nat helped me gently go to places I hadn’t been able to alone. Nat is patient and empathic and creates the space for you to explore things you might have previously been afraid to look at.”
“This was my first ever IFS session and I didn’t really know what to expect. Nat did a fantastic job making me feel comfortable. She helped guide me to have a dialogue with my inner self parts and discover hidden self-beliefs and thoughts and let go of negative feelings. Great session for anyone looking for self-growth and letting go of past traumas which ultimately lead you to hold back in life. Defiantly would recommend anyone to give it a go!”
“I’ve been practicing and playing with my parts these last couple of weeks. Quite fascinating and interesting! I have found I work best with them when I “catch” them/myself, having critical, negative or stern talk. It is then, that I check in, either in the moment or at a quiet time and have that dialogue. It’s been really helpful and useful to become aware of these parts to help tame that inner dragon, so to speak!”
“I am in my head a lot, so my body and head feel disconnected. My brain is constantly on. Processing and analysing. I observe every single detail and everything that is going on. I analyse everything before you even say a word.
I am also aware that I am sensitive to criticism and highly self-critical. My brain is constantly replaying what I say and do all the time, in a multitude of ways and how the outcome could have been different. It could bring up past experiences that bring up the same emotions and anxiety in me. This leads to decision paralysis as every single outcome or potentiality comes into my head, and so there is so much to think about that I end up procrastinating on the decision and moving on to something else. To later come back and experience the same paralysis.
I find IFS really helpful to understand that these are all different parts of me and these parts can have conversations. I can be a judicator or a referee in that circumstance, and be like ‘hang on just take a step back, and let’s get another perspective on this. It is so simple but it immediately helps me relax and drop back into the moment rather than getting carried away on this thought treadmill. I noticed in each session we are making connections and that there is a thread running through and interlinking all of them. That has been really interesting for me, as well as the strong visuals that I receive. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in the emotion of everything that it is hard to take a step back and observe it in a rational kind of way.
It’s been really helpful to give a colour, texture or sensation to the things that are coming up. This is something I have been taught in CBT, but it is a different approach in IFS. The thought, the emotion, and the colour are already there and I just have to name what it is. Rather than having feelings of anxiety or whatever and then trying to give an external shape or form to it. With IFS the feeling comes up, and then pretty soon after I have a visual which has been really helpful in understanding what my body is trying to tell me but my mind is overriding.”
“I love how Nat held space with such patience as she took me through a guided meditation. I found the Internal Family System’s session to be super powerful since I learned about the parts of myself that are holding me back in fully showing up in areas of my life.”